Great Throughts Treasury

"If we don’t change the direction in which we are going, we will end up where we are headed."

"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"

"Congress: Bingo with billions."

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."

"I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity."

"I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em."

"Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap."

"I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary? "Somewhere haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen."

"Good night, and may God Bless."

"Exercise? I get in on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."

"I don't want to be called 'the greatest' or 'one of the greatest'; let other guys claim to be the best. I just want to be known as a clown because to me that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything: sing, dance, and above all, make people laugh."

"I left home because I was hungry."

"I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

"I live by this credo: Have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter had always brought me out of unhappy situations. Even in your darkest moment, you usually can find something to laugh about if you try hard enough."

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

"I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy."

"I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God."

"I take my wife everywhere - but she keeps finding her way back."

"If by chance some day you"

"It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it"

"Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations."

"If I may I would like to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and give you a definition for each word. I: me, an individual, a committee of one. Pledge: dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity. Allegiance: my love and my devotion. To the Flag: our standard, Old Glory, a symbol of freedom. Wherever she waves, there is respect because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts freedom is everybody"

"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up."

"My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled."

"My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, In the lake."

"My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake.""

"No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds."

"Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

"Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles."

"One of the standing jokes of Congress is that the new Congressman always spends the first week wondering how he got there and the rest of the time wondering how the other members got there."

"Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce."

"She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair."

"She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

"She ran after the garbage truck yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? The driver said, No, jump in!"

"Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people."

"The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, What's on the TV? I said, Dust!"

"You don't have to be a genius to sound like one. Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic."

"Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."

"Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."

"We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas."

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."